 You know that scene in “The Hangover” when they’re in the emergency room and they ask the doctor for directions and he basically tells them to fuck off? I don’t know how that played in the rest of the world, but here if Vegas people whooped and cheered – for the doctor. One of the things people don’t like about living here is that everyone who comes here, or plans to come here, or thinks they might like to come here some time in the next 20 years treats us all like tour guides. And that goes double for the gays.
It’s amazing how many guys hit me up on Adam4Adam or Manhunt or Gay.com and launch right into “Where’s a good place to meet bears?” No hello, no “nice pix, dude!” no “you’re starting to look a little fat there, Rusty.” They just get right to the heart of what they want to know. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m more polite than that to the drag queen behind the information desk at Bloomingdales.
So, for those of you who would like to know my tips and recommendations for your time in Las Vegas, here we go.
Vegas Police:
The police in Las Vegas have a zero policy for drunk driving (which I whole-heartedly support) and are always out in full force. If you drive drunk while in this town you will get busted and you will get tossed in the slammer (which, I can assure you, is no picnic). So do yourself a favor and call a cab. Seriously.
And now that I’ve been perfectly civil about the Las Vegas police forces, here’s the rest of the story. There is no state income tax in Nevada, so the state and county budgets depend heavily on tax revenue from the casinos. With tourism down the way it has been, those budgets are hurting, and it seems that they’ve learned from Los Angeles and have decided that tickets and fines are viable revenue streams. Consequently, there are speed traps all over the place… so keep your eye on the speed limit, especially when leaving McCarran Airport. Also – and pay attention to this – any use of your cell phone or pda while in the car is a ticketable offence. Just last night I returned a text message while stopped at a red light – with a cop car right next to me. The officer put on his lights and asked me if I knew about the new law. “But I’m stopped at a red light.” “Doesn’t matter. They don’t want you using the cell phone in the car.” He didn’t ticket me, and I thanked him for the information. And now I’m telling you. And from what I hear it’s not a cheap ticket.
Another thing the traffic cops do – and I know this from personal experience – is add completely fictional (even physically imp ossible) offences to legitimate tickets. I don’t know how it’s possible to see expired tags on an obscured license place at the same time, but they managed to charge me with both. They’re especially fond of doing this to cars with out of state plates. So read carefully before you pay that ticket!
Lastly, if you're looking to hire an escort, be aware that the police frequently run stings. And they play dirty. So far as I’ve heard the stings have only been aimed at the escorts, however, many cities run stings targeting clients as well. So do not offer anyone money for sex, and do not ask anyone for money for sex – and if they offer money for sex and you so much as nod in agreement, they will get you. The laws governing entrapment are very different in real life than they are on television. And all vice-related arrests come with a mandatory 48-hour hold: that means even if you find someone to bail you out, they won’t be able to fetch you until you’ve spent two nights in the can.
Now: on to the fun stuff!
Where to Stay
Because I'm bitter (and because it's my damn website), I'm going to start with the one place NOT to stay: the recently-opened Cosmopolitan.  It's a horrible place run by horrible and actively homophobic people. There are much better places to stay on the strip at any price and why give your money to a place that hates the gays. They recently ran a sting to entrap as many escorts as possible in the same night and they played very dirty.
On the other hand, I recently had a quick stay at the Mandarin Oriental, the newest place on the strip. From beginning to end, it was exquisite... I highly recommend giving it a try.
My personal favorite of places to stay on the strip is the Palazzo, the all-suites half of the Venetian compound. And if the Palazzo is sold out or too expensive, the Venetian is almost as nice. The rooms are spacious, the amenities are high-quality and the marble bathrooms are *fantastic*. One of my favorite things in the world is finding a bathtub that I can fit in… and if they’re room for someone else, even better; and the Palazzo has really big tubs.
After the Palazzo I like (in roughly this order): the Four Seasons, the Wynn, the Bellagio, the Mirage, and Mandalay Bay. The rooms at Treasure Island, MGM Grand, and Planet Hollywood are surprisingly nice, but you have to deal with the crowds of people who don’t understand that the success of “Jersey Shore” and all things Kardashian is based on the douchebaggery of the subjects.
Just off the strip there are a lot of places that offer pretty good deals, es pecially during the week. Of this category I highly recommend the Orleans, for a few reasons, starting with a price of $30/night. Maybe the sheets are cotton/poly blend and the towels don’t have a thread count of 450, but the rooms are much nicer than they are in many of the higher-priced places on the strip (including flat-screen TVs in most rooms). You’ll get a lot of families with small children, but they’re way better behaved than the screaming drunk girls who can’t walk in their shoes a few blocks away. If the Orleans is full, the Gold Coast is owned by the same people and almost as nice.
If you want to get way off the strip there are two great casino/resorts, one in either direction. Both require renting a car (unless you don’t want to leave the premises the whole time you’re in town). I don’t prefer one over the other: both the M and Red Rock are lovely places to stay with great rooms, nice views, quality amenities and good restaurants. Red Rock has the added advantages of being spitting distance to Red Rock State Park, one of the most beautiful spots west of the Mississippi (second only to the Grand Canyon).
Where to Eat
While it’s true that I didn’t get this size by missing meals, I’m not the expert on all things food in Las Vegas that most people expect me to be. Here are my favorites, by category:
Buffets
What’s Vegas without a buffet, right? Most of the buffets here are vaguely reminiscent of the high school cafeteria, but there are a few exceptions, notably those at the Wynn and the Bellagio. They’re expensive, but worth it, especially if you go at lunch when it’s the same food for half the price. The seafood buffet at the Rio is meant to be quite good (if expensive), though the regular buffet at the Rio is about as mediocre as they get. Off-strip I recommend the buffets at M and Red Rock (naturally) and the one at Green Valley Ranch.
Good Eats, Nothing Too Fancy
Hash House a-G o-Go: there’s one in the Imperial Palace (absolutely the worst place to stay on the strip, possibly in the Western Hemisphere), once in the M, and one on Sahara Boulevard, north and west of the strip. They serve solid, rib-sticking, slightly inventive dishes and HUGE portions. A must-visit for the bears. The “basic” cafe at the Aria is really good (tho I can’t remember the name)… they’ve got a huge menu with lots of variety and I’ve never had anything I didn’t enjoy. The Wolfgang Puck coffee shop in the MGM grand is also quite good… and if you go make sure to get an order of the house-made potato chips with blue cheese. SUPER YUM!!!
Moving Up the Scale
Dos Caminos at the Palazzo is upscale Mexican… I’ve eaten there a few times and have enjoyed everything I’ve ordered, even thou I always forget and fill up on the guacamole before the main course arrives. Olives at the Bellagio makes the best Old Fashioned cocktail I’ve ever had, and I seem to recall that the food was pretty good too. There’s an Italian place in the MGM Grand… I can never remember the name of it, but the food was delicious. I don’t eat sushi (don’t ask me), so you’re going to have to ask somebody else about that.
Top of the Heap
The best place I’ve eaten in Las Vegas is CraftSteak at the MGM Grand. I highly recommend getting one of the tasting menus and allowing the server to order the best of what the kitchen is offering that day. Also at the MGM is one of the worst places I’ve ever eaten and certainly the biggest restaurant rip-off I ever hope to experience: L'Atelier de Joel Robuchon. As the sign says in the Wicked Witch of the West’s Haunted Forest: I’d turn back if I were you.
What to See
I’ve only seen a few  of the shows here in town, so this is all I have to offer:.
I’ve seen Zumanity, the sensual side of Cirque de Soleil, and I really didn’t care for it. For one thing almost everything about Cirque de Soleil is sensual: they’re acrobats, for crissake, so trying to exploit that is kind of counterproductive. Of course female acrobats tend to be lean over their entire bodies, so Zumanity is by and large a tittie show with flat-chested girls. Oh good! Also: there’s a segment with two men that’s meant to be quite hot; apparently the scene comes and goes depending on which groups are in town and it wasn’t included the night I went. From what I’ve heard it could make all the difference in how you enjoy the show, so you might want to check before buying tickets.
I’m not a drag aficionado, but I can say that Divas Las Vegas is not just another drag show. Frank Marino is spot-on a s Joan Rivers, altough some of the jokes are not as timely as could be. It’s been a while since I’ve seen it and of course it changes from time to time, but some of the drags were *really* good and the whole show was loads of fun. And the nearly-naked dancing boys were very sexy!
When I was a kid, my sister and I used to watch Donny & Marie on Friday nights, and we might have done one or two of their routines when no one was looking. So the last time she was in town we went together… and I really enjoyed it. Whatever you want to say about their kind of music, they are two consummate performers and they each give 100% every night. Marie spends a little too much time complaining about her hot flashes, but overall it was a lot of fun.
I haven’t seen Criss Angel Believe, but I can tell you this. A couple of years ago I had a client staying at the Luxor who called me every night for a week at around the same time, and every night I stopped at the blackjack tables on my way out. And every night, at around the same time, people would stop at the tables after seeing Believe – and to a person, every single one of them haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaated it. No one could really articulate why, but regardless of their income bracket or level of education they fukkin hated the show. Good enough for me.
On the other hand, I haven’t met one person who hasn’t loved, loved, LOVED Le Reve at the Wynn. Also, good enough for me.
Where to Be Gay
 A dirty little secret about Las Vegas is that most of the people who live here are pretty square and just as conservative… including the gays. I mean if there were a gay NRA, it would be based here in Vegas. So most of the guys who come here looking for man-on-man (fun without hiring an escort, that is) usually end up having it with other guys from out of town.
I don’t like crowds, so I don’t go to bars very often, which means I’m not really the person to ask for recommendations. I can say that I’ve enjoyed Fun Hog Ranch the few times I’ve been there: it’s like a neighborhood gay bar without a neighborhood. Peanuts in the shell, draft beer, real men… not so many twinks or sweater queens. I hear the Garage is a good place to dance, though I’ve never been there. I’ve also never been to KRAVE, though I don’t hear such great things about it.
If you’re here on a Sunday you absolutely MUST check out the happy hour at Charlie’s where they have line dancing that is not to be missed. I’m not talking country-western line dancing... oh no! They play a huge range of songs from Madonna to Travis Tritt and every different song seems to have its own special choreography and these guys know them all. When I get out of the floor I resemble a dancing bear from the circus (so I’ve been told) there have been one or to injuries over the years… so for me, these dances are a wonder to behold.
Bathhouses
We have t wo, and they’re both in the same shopping center (not so unusual here in the west). Hawk’s Gym is the one I prefer: it’s smaller and more manageable, cleaner, and has a much more friendly atmosphere. The other one is called Entourage: it has a pool and a 10-man hot tub; in addition to the steam room and dry sauna (Hawk’s has those as well). Like all bathhouses, both of these are hit and miss… it all depends on who’s in town and when they’re horny. Hawks gets fewer twinks and tweakers; neither of them are up to the standards you’re used to if you go gay metropolises like San Diego or Chicago or Ft. Lauderdale.
The Blue Moon
In a category of its own is the Blue Moon, Las Vegas’ gay men’s clothing optional resort. Like the  bathhouses, the kind of action you’ll get depends on who else is staying there when you are. If you want to check it out without staying there, they offer day passes (inclucing a lock!) for $25. Trust me when I tell you I’ve seen many hot guys hanging out (literally) by the pool. The rooms are very nice, as are the pool, the steam room, and the porno lounge. During sunbathing weather a lot of locals come by to use the pool and/or other facilities and/or frolic with the guests. I’ve had many a hot time there. The only drawback to staying there is that it’s not convenient to any food and they don’t have an on-site restaurant (which means no room service).
All money exchanged is strictly for time and companionship. 
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